January 26, 2024
Today was a Sunday, and the house felt eerily empty after everyone left early. I spent half the day alone, and it didn’t take long before everything from the past two weeks came flooding back, overwhelming me like a wave I couldn’t fight. I cried. A lot.
I don’t even know why, but it felt like all the flashbacks and emotions I’ve been trying to suppress broke through. No matter how much I try to convince myself to let go or move forward, something within me keeps pulling me back into this loop of guilt, regret, and self-doubt.
I think I’m stuck in a battle with myself. I want to forgive myself and move on, but it’s like I’m trapped inside my own head, unable to escape the same thoughts and feelings. It’s exhausting.
I tried distracting myself—reducing phone usage, walking, and even focusing on small tasks—but nothing feels enough to stop the storm inside me. It’s as if my mind is stuck on replay, refusing to let me move forward, no matter how much effort I put in. I feel like someone in rehab, struggling to break free from an addiction, relapsing in the early stages. That’s what this feels like—a constant fight, day after day.
And the worst part? Being alone in an empty house seems to amplify everything. It feels like loneliness wraps around me, and I can’t stop myself from crying when no one’s around.
But despite all this, I know I have to keep going. I have to improve. That’s what matters most. Even if everyone seems to have parted ways and gone in their own directions, I need to figure out how to find mine.
Steps for today were 5,135, bringing the monthly total to 152,326. At least I managed to keep up with my walking routine—it’s something I can still hold on to.
